A Loss to add to abuse

The greatest LOSS forever.

It took me my whole life( 40 years seams like a life time right know, hell a day feels like a lifetime) to realize I had had some happy childhood memories. I use to reflect on my childhood as all I could remember were these abusive groomed experiences. I knew there was more but I was over taken by these experiences that I could not make sense of and I obsessed over them, to the point that I was a broken unloved and left to die as a child with no happy childhood memories, even after having a wonderful comforting and supportive safe parents.  

Until … this person I realized was my best friend. He was the one thing in the life I had that got me through all that horse shit, he was the one person I lost for the rest of my earthly life. Damn it, what a waist of life and a loss of what I could have remembered and let the happy peek through the dark. Suddenly this new tragedy made that all feel like a silly shit show and all this time I was not alone and know that hes is gone I really am alone. This person who was my best friend new about all of my abuse and we actually experienced abuse from the same abuser. After the realization that I have lost his presence, Guess what, I am suddenly flooded with wonderful pockets of happy crazy and blissful memories with this person who I was so lucky to call my best friend, my mentor and my brother. Wowwow, my mentor I always thought I was supposed to be the older one, because I was so much aware and responsible and endure more pain. What a awakening that he taught me alot in his own awareness in living ife , and he delt with everything from trauma that I did, in addition to discrimination , shame and blame as a male. Shame on me for not proclaiming that time with him as an equal survivor. What a humbling experience. Forever he will be my surviving twin, my best friend, and my  more than anything, my big Brother. One day I will share our explicit, raw and controversy story with you all.  Today I pray to him for guidance as he kissed Jesus cheek. I’m glad he does not have to endure this world anymore, he deserves peace and pure love from his creator. Thank you God for sharing him with us.